This essay was originally written in March 2013:
Drowning in Worthlessness
Have you ever witnessed someone drowning? When this unfortunate event occurs, the person becomes panicked and afraid. They try to tread water but end up swallowing more. They desperately look to land while the current pulls them away. And did you know that if you-- as a bystander-- jump in the water to help, you will most likely drown with the poor idiot you were trying to save? Why? Because in the panic, consumed by fear, the drowning person will claw at you so hard that both end up at the bottom of the ocean.
Now try to use the image of a drowning person and apply it to your sense of worthlessness. You see, worthlessness and drowning work in much the same way. You spend your whole life believing yourself unworthy, not good enough. Drowning in an ocean of self-hate and self-doubt. And so you desperately try to fill this internal void by looking outside of yourself. You claw at any bystander that shows up in your vicinity. Of course, you are probably unconscious to the fact that this person will end up drowning with you-- unaware of how deep and dark your sense of self-hate is. Yet, you carry on with your life, drowning a little bit more every day. Taking bystanders with you. Many of these so-called "bystanders" are people you say you love. They are family, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, co-workers. But my question to you is this: can you really say you love them when you are drowning them? I propose that you have no idea what love really means. Am I being too harsh?
Let's go back to the image of the drowning person. Do you think that person, consumed by fear and panic, has the capacity to feel love while desperately trying to stay above water? Do you think a drowning person has the capacity to look around and see the magnificence of the ocean they are drowning in? Do you think they can appreciate the beauty of the innocent bystander who jumps in the water to help them? Do you think they can see ANY beauty at all in the very moment they are drowning? The answer to all these questions is no. The only thing a drowning person can see is death, panic, darkness. And this is exactly how you live your life while drowning in worthlessness. You cannot possibly have the capacity to feel love. You miss the beauty in people and things. You miss the sweet fragrance of a rose. You miss what a sunset over the ocean looks like. In essence, you miss life.
So what can be done about this predicament? "How can I save myself from drowning in worthlessness?" you ask. It is quite simple: become Aware.
For the drowning person, Awareness is that moment when conscience bypasses a panicked brain and reminds them that swimming against the current is a stupid idea. Awareness tells them to stop fighting and let the current take them out. If the drowning person becomes Aware, they will soon find that they are no longer drowning. They have simply floated away from the rip tide and are now surrounded by the calmness of the ocean. In this peace and calm, completely out of the current's grip, the person suddenly realizes they can swim safely to shore. The scary ordeal is over.
For the person drowning in worthlessness, Awareness means looking inside oneself and shining light on the soul. Awareness is understanding the meaning of a bumper sticker that proclaims: "Don't always believe what you think." You are the watcher of thought. You are the conscience that is aware of the endless voices in your head-- voices that whisper "You're not good enough. You're worthless". To be Aware is to see. See what self-hate is. Look at it long and hard. Shine the light of Awareness on the darkness of Worthlessness. As St Paul said: "everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."
That is it. Once you become Aware of your drowning, the ocean disappears and you will find yourself standing on solid ground. No more fear, no more panic. And now you will start to see the beauty around you. You will understand the miracles that happen every day-- from the fat bumble bee that manages to fly, to the salmon that stubbornly swim upstream in order to spawn.
And because you are no longer drowning, you can begin to see beauty in people. Now, there is no need to claw at them, no need to drown them with you. All that is left is space. And in this space you will feel love for the first time. Love of self and love of others.
I am no longer drowning and that brings me great joy.
Now try to use the image of a drowning person and apply it to your sense of worthlessness. You see, worthlessness and drowning work in much the same way. You spend your whole life believing yourself unworthy, not good enough. Drowning in an ocean of self-hate and self-doubt. And so you desperately try to fill this internal void by looking outside of yourself. You claw at any bystander that shows up in your vicinity. Of course, you are probably unconscious to the fact that this person will end up drowning with you-- unaware of how deep and dark your sense of self-hate is. Yet, you carry on with your life, drowning a little bit more every day. Taking bystanders with you. Many of these so-called "bystanders" are people you say you love. They are family, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, co-workers. But my question to you is this: can you really say you love them when you are drowning them? I propose that you have no idea what love really means. Am I being too harsh?
Let's go back to the image of the drowning person. Do you think that person, consumed by fear and panic, has the capacity to feel love while desperately trying to stay above water? Do you think a drowning person has the capacity to look around and see the magnificence of the ocean they are drowning in? Do you think they can appreciate the beauty of the innocent bystander who jumps in the water to help them? Do you think they can see ANY beauty at all in the very moment they are drowning? The answer to all these questions is no. The only thing a drowning person can see is death, panic, darkness. And this is exactly how you live your life while drowning in worthlessness. You cannot possibly have the capacity to feel love. You miss the beauty in people and things. You miss the sweet fragrance of a rose. You miss what a sunset over the ocean looks like. In essence, you miss life.
So what can be done about this predicament? "How can I save myself from drowning in worthlessness?" you ask. It is quite simple: become Aware.
For the drowning person, Awareness is that moment when conscience bypasses a panicked brain and reminds them that swimming against the current is a stupid idea. Awareness tells them to stop fighting and let the current take them out. If the drowning person becomes Aware, they will soon find that they are no longer drowning. They have simply floated away from the rip tide and are now surrounded by the calmness of the ocean. In this peace and calm, completely out of the current's grip, the person suddenly realizes they can swim safely to shore. The scary ordeal is over.
For the person drowning in worthlessness, Awareness means looking inside oneself and shining light on the soul. Awareness is understanding the meaning of a bumper sticker that proclaims: "Don't always believe what you think." You are the watcher of thought. You are the conscience that is aware of the endless voices in your head-- voices that whisper "You're not good enough. You're worthless". To be Aware is to see. See what self-hate is. Look at it long and hard. Shine the light of Awareness on the darkness of Worthlessness. As St Paul said: "everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."
That is it. Once you become Aware of your drowning, the ocean disappears and you will find yourself standing on solid ground. No more fear, no more panic. And now you will start to see the beauty around you. You will understand the miracles that happen every day-- from the fat bumble bee that manages to fly, to the salmon that stubbornly swim upstream in order to spawn.
And because you are no longer drowning, you can begin to see beauty in people. Now, there is no need to claw at them, no need to drown them with you. All that is left is space. And in this space you will feel love for the first time. Love of self and love of others.
I am no longer drowning and that brings me great joy.
No comments:
Post a Comment